& I thought I have something that could make me smile.
& I thought it was really sweet.
& I thought I can take it.
& I didn't know all were just my wishful thinking.

When I read what was typed to me, I was speechless, unbelievable yet I was expecting it to come. What irony I know. I behaved like a little kid, trying so hard to deceive myself, trying so hard to run away from the fact that it's gone & it's over.

In the night, when everyone is asleep & the light was switched off, I listened to ipod & stared at the computer blankly till I got tired and fell asleep. Early in the morning, I woke up and started pondering all over again, it was 530am & my mind wasn't even clear. By 7am, I fell back into my dreams and by 840am, I woke up (yes so unusual of me). I started doing stuff, bit by bit, hoping to complete at least some of my work.

I believed I did it, maybe to people it is indeed unproductive, but to me I'm satisfied. (:

If I've a choice, would I still want to know about it, or would I choose not to know? I've no idea.
If you ask me whether I'm still sad, whether I'm still affected, whether I could pick myself up and move on? I'm still sad, I'm still affected but this time I believe I'll be different.

As the cold water runs down my face, I hope it washes away my feelings and those struggles within me.
As the sun shines on me, I wish it brings me back to life, bringing me the hope I needed so badly.
As I lie on my bed and listen to the songs, I can imagine happily-ever-after that could happen only in dreams.

It doesn't matter, does it?

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